Amber Rose’s New Ink, V-Day & New Hampshire Primary | DESUS & MERO | Season 2

Amber Rose’s New Ink, V-Day & New Hampshire Primary | DESUS & MERO | Season 2


[MUSIC PLAYING] All right, a lot
of good energy today. – Yeah.
– You like that? Better than the
Monday audience. [CROWD LAUGHS] Yo, Monday, I
was a little flat. DESUS NICE: Yeah, they
didn’t bring the heat. [CROWD LAUGHS] They were like,
“It was you guys.” I was like, “No, it wasn’t.” Yo! So y’all better
laugh at everything! Everything. We got a new policy. If you don’t laugh,
we fucking you up. [LAUGHTER] It’s the same procedure
as Showtime dances. Yo, if you like
that joke, clap! [APPLAUSE] Yeah. DESUS NICE: Right? THE KID MERO: He’s walking
around with a hat like– DESUS NICE: Yo, what’s up? Even if he didn’t like joke– You’ll clap. Listen, it’s either
that, we tell jokes, or we dance to
“Thriller.” you pick. AUDIENCE: Thriller. [LAUGHTER] THE KID MERO: Damn! DESUS NICE: He got us. THE KID MERO: He
called my bluff. Oh, shit! Oh, I tear a ligament. JULIA YOUNG: So you guys
excited for tomorrow? Wha– yeah. Yeah!
Hell yeah! Jordans is dropping. Shit’s lit. Ah, you know what I’m saying? Get those retro ones
for All-Star weekend! JULIA YOUNG: It’s
Valentine’s Day. It’s what? Oh, that’s right, yeah. JULIA YOUNG: Valen– what? Don’t play– don’t play this. I’m not familiar. No, I do. JULIA YOUNG: You don’t observe? I don’t observe, no, no. THE KID MERO: It’s a
capitalist’s fucking holiday. It’s garbage. Every day should be a– DESUS NICE: It’s
a Babylon thing. That’s right. We have Valentine’s
Day called “Africa.” That’s right.
DESUS NICE: Think about it. It’s a little white baby
running around shooting people with arrows. No, I’m not playing with that. THE KID MERO:
That’s colonialism. OK? It’s a demon thing. Tell them. JULIA YOUNG: What are
you getting Heather? Teach these devils. I already did that. I’m– He gave her four kids. I’m so– that’s right. Those are called
“Brock’s Valentines.” You know what saying? There you go. [LAUGHTER] You’re welcome. Enjoy the four
incorrigible children. No, I’ve been married
for a long time. So I know that I’m going
to forget Valentine’s Day. So like around November, I
get Valentine’s Day gifts, and I just stash them. And then I’m like, oh
shit, what the fuck? Ah! DESUS NICE: See, see? The blueprint. THE KID MERO: You
know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] OK. And I put it up on my weed
shit, too, so I’m like– like I never forget it. So when you rolling
up, you be like, oh, wow! Got them. You know what I’m saying? Martha Stewart who? Strategy, you know
what I’m saying. Shit, Emily Post suck a dick. Some jewelry to
quote DJ Khalid. JULIA YOUNG: Some jewelry stuff?
– Yeah. JULIA YOUNG: What
kind of jewelry? Did you get her– does she do Pandora bracelets? No, no. [LAUGHTER] DESUS NICE: Just got to ask. I almost– listen, I’m
not even going to lie. DESUS NICE: We’re going to come
out with Pandora bracelets, but for nasty people. THE KID MERO: Yeah! Like with like a
little dildo and shit– DESUS NICE: Yeah.
You be like, “Yo!” – –with cigarettes.
– The wild rosebuds? Like yeah–
– You know what that means. –you know what you did, ma. She was like, “It
was your birthday!” Yo! like a little drop of spit,
you know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] Or maybe some cum bubbles. [LAUGHTER] They already got the
animation for that. Like, that’s just disgusting. Patrick’s like,
oh, I got that. I should save. I’m good. That shit’s a mackerel. JULIA YOUNG: Do you guys go out
to dinner on Valentine’s Day? Yeah. Well, tonight because tomorrow
we can’t because, you know, kids. DESUS NICE: Yeah. Also, it’s cheaper tonight. THE KID MERO: Frugality. Don’t pay– don’t pay– listen. Ain’t nobody trying to pay full
price for honey wings at BBQ’s. THE KID MERO: Fuck out of here. Fuck out of here. You know what I’m saying? I put on good Air
Force One’s, ma. THE KID MERO: You
know what I’m saying? Shine them shits. This Burberry shirt ain’t
going to shine itself. You know what I’m saying? Catch me down there– OK. – –steaming my shit–
– All right. –making sure my collar
isn’t like, you know. OK. Call her up, like, yo,
can I borrow your car? Yes. That cut a little
too close to home for some people in the audience. JULIA YOUNG: Did you guys get
Valentine’s for the staff? No, that’s completely
inappropriate. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, no, that
would be mad weird. Have you ever heard
of Harvey Weinstein? Like no, we’re not doing that. JULIA YOUNG: I meant
like chocolate. THE KID MERO: We
have to do like– Like chocolate? Well, what if one of y’all
is allergic to chocolate? You know someone on the staff
is allergic to– who on staff is allergic to chocolate? THE KID MERO: Or peanuts? JULIA YOUNG: Oh yeah,
there are a few. DESUS NICE: Yeah, see.
THE KID MERO: Yeah. Yeah. This was produced that
in a nut-free facility. You know what I’m saying? Ah, no one’s ever described
our office as “nut free.” You know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] Especially not my crew. Basically the east side
of the building is like– it’s the problematic side. JULIA YOUNG: Robert
likes that joke. [LAUGHTER] Well, He knows the vibe. That’s on the side
of the office that ever smelled like weed, right? Because of whom? [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Whom? DESUS NICE: Only Mero
will think you can smell weed in an office on the low. [LAUGHTER] Just the middle of Midtown,
just open a window, he’s like. [LAUGHTER] THE KID MERO: Yo, listen. I came out, I was like,
“Who’s playing Bob Marley?” [LAUGHTER] Yo, when you’re mad tired, and
logic is like different logic. So I thought if I’d just blow
the shit into the air purifier, it’s going to purify
the smoke into the air. You know what I’m saying? The same thinking as
every freshman at NYU, wow! I reverted back to my freshmen
year, you know what I’m saying? I loved the look at
everyone else in the office. They we like, “So can we smoke?” THE KID MERO: Really? I was like, “No.” THE KID MERO: I
was like, come on. Yo, I’m like, yeah,
everybody smoke weed! Like Oprah, you get a joint! You get a joint! JULIA YOUNG: Yeah, the
policy is not clear. Yeah. No, the office is just
basically do something till you get arrested. THE KID MERO: Yeah, you
know what I’m saying? DESUS NICE: Like, you
know what I’m saying? Like if someone
steals your sharpener, and you won’t stab
them, you know? THE KID MERO: You feel me? JULIA YOUNG: I feel like– We have what we
call “Rikers rules.” THE KID MERO: Yeah.
– So. THE KID MERO: You
know what I’m saying? I’m saying writer’s
side D block. THE KID MERO: You can sell
each other for cigarettes, you know what I’m saying? Like if you want to buy
Josh for a pack of Newports. [LAUGHTER] You know what I’m saying? DESUS NICE: Have him walk around
the office holding your belt. Yeah! JULIA YOUNG: Jesus Christ. [LAUGHTER] If you want to write us under
your deodorant, like yeah– – Yeah, that’s right.
– –what’s up? What’s popping? JULIA YOUNG: I think
we should move on. [LAUGHTER] All the fellas at home
like, nah, they preaching. Yo, they preaching,
word, word. Yo, if you don’t got
shower shoes, you buns. [LAUGHTER] Do we have showers
in the office? I think we’re adding that– We do. –just to put
people under pressure. Yo, yo, go take a shower. [LAUGHTER] Imagine you told
a randomer, “Yo, go take a shower right now.” So someone walk into the
lobby with a towel on and shit– Yo. –got the wild razor like
just in case niggas act up. JULIA YOUNG: So New Hampshire– New Hampshire, ah, ah, ah,
shoutout to the Granite State, right?
– No. Yeah, the Granite– Yeah. Yeah, the Granite State. JULIA YOUNG: Andrew
Yang dropped out. Damn, he did. [HUMS LOSER’S TUNE FROM “PRICE
IS RIGHT”] I’ll never get my $1,000 now. Yeah! Is he still going to give
out the $1,000, though, to people who supported him? You should. If you ever did an Andrew Yang
tour, you should get $1,000. Give Dave Chapelle $5,000! No, but Dave Chapelle
don’t need no money. – Yeah, that’s true.
– He was in “A Star is Born.” He’s got things going on. JULIA YOUNG: Who do you
think’s going to drop out next? Who’s going to drop out next? [STAMMERING] Shit. Buttigieg. Yeah, that’s why they
put it on the screen. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I was like, yo, show me the
black– show me the bracket. I’m like, are we at
the Sweet 16 yet? I love that it says Joseph
R. Biden because we read it, I’d be like, “Joe
Button’s into this?” – Yo!
– That’s crazy! Yo, he’s out here. He’s not on top either. Who’s dropping out next? I guess maybe Elizabeth. Is she dropping out next. JULIA YOUNG: No! The numbers– I don’t– sorry. THE KID MERO: I’m
looking at the numbers. I think it might be– I think it might be
Buttigieg maybe or Klobuchar. JULIA YOUNG: There’s
also like Tulsi Gabbard. Tom Steyer is still in. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, nah, those
are like the– Well, how are they still in? They not even on this poll.
– Yeah. They not even on
the fucking thing! At the end, it says “others.” Like, come on, man. You know when they
show like sports shit, and it’s like
playoffs, I they’re just like “in the hunt.” [LAUGHTER] Like Tom Steyer’s in the hunt. When they show playoffs,
and then they show the Knicks. Hey, we get it.
AUDIENCE: It’s a [INAUDIBLE]. Yeah. Listen. Yeah, Knicks,
four places out of– four games out of eighth place. DESUS NICE: And I’m like,
so you say there’s a chance? Yo. It might be Klobuchar,
I don’t know, dog, just because of her name. I’m not going to lie.
I haven’t been paying– [LAUGHTER] I haven’t had that
much attention to this. I used to like– I’m not– you know you’re
intense about elections this year? Like I used to be more
into like– remember how in ’97 you used to
do “pump it or dump it?” Yeah.
– You know what I’m saying? That used to be like
hot, but this is not. There’s no one like grabbing me. Yeah. Nobody’s like, “Yo,
I’m the future!” like when Obama came
out, it was like, yeah, Obama, yeah, that’s my guy. I like Bloomberg, though,
because he’s like, you’re poor. [LAUGHTER] THE KID MERO: Yeah. I was like, you
know, as a Jamaican, I like how he talks down to me. [LAUGHTER] The condescension, like it
was part of West Indian culture. DESUS NICE: Bloomberg
always talks to you like he’s about to spit on you. So I think maybe that’s
what America needs. THE KID MERO: It’s
like, well, actually, your broke, and I’m not. DESUS NICE: He’s like, listen,
I’ll fix your broke company, you know?
– Yeah. Your country’s a flop. How much money do you have? I got more. I got more than
you, and I made it. He treats America
like Jay-Z was talking to Prodigy on takeover. Yo! He’s like your little stacks? I got money stacks
bigger than you. [LAUGHTER] And he never talked about
like insurance or anything. He’s just like, no, I’m
going to beat Trump. I’m rich.
– Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it. JULIA YOUNG: Are you
going to vote for him? No. [LAUGHTER] Hell no. Come on, man. We live in his borough. We know about “Bloombito.” JULIA YOUNG: Yeah.
– You know what I’m saying? Come on, now. I’m voting for Dinkins– On a write-in. –because I’m black. So he can have
two votes, just us. David and Dinkins. JULIA YOUNG: All right,
you want to real hot goss? Real hot goss– hot goss,
hot goss, real hot goss? Is this black goss
or white goss? JULIA YOUNG: Amber Rose goss. Amber Rose goss, mix goss,
mix goss, mix goss, mix goss. Ambiguous, racially
ambiguous goss. Yo, wow. JULIA YOUNG: She got her kids’
names tattooed on her forehead. That’s– She could have just
grown like baby hair. Yeah. Like she didn’t
have to do all that. That was a– that’s a lot. A forehead tattoo, bro,
that’s a commitment. But then like, what job
does she have right now that she’s going to get
fired from for having a forehead tattoo? She’s just chilling. She’s living chill–
she’s chilling. Bash and slash? That’s her kids’ names? JULIA YOUNG: Mm-hmm. Sebastian is one. She calls him “Bash.” Bash. JULIA YOUNG: And then Slash
Electric is the other one. Slash Electric? JULIA YOUNG: Yeah. Wow, OK. You guys like this? THE KID MERO: That sounds
like my lawn mower, dog. Y’all like this? THE KID MERO: It’s
gas Slash Electric. Because we had Mero do the
same thing to his forehead. [LAUGHTER] I’m like, “Oh!” I got all four of
my kids tattooed. DESUS NICE: He’s got like
a paragraph up there. It should go
around my whole face. It was like the starting
of “Star Wars,” long, long far away. [LAUGHTER] In a Dominican
galaxy far, far away. Did you see the
fear in my eyes when I thought he was
going to take my hat off? They got to do the slow-mo. You’re like, “No!” No, don’t do it! That’s more of like a lower
back tag, Bash and Slash. You don’t– nah,
you don’t want a be– you don’t– nah, ladies, don’t
get the kids as a tramp stamp. [LAUGHTER] All I’m saying is– Well, their names are
Bash and Slash, like, yo. OK, but at the
same time, the people that are going to
read that don’t really want to be reminded.
– Yeah. You know what I mean? Yo, I’m going to make a
third one called “Smash,” you know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] Keep the alliteration going. Because, you know, all
thugs need alliteration. I believe that was
the Ja Rule lyric. You know what I’m
saying? (SINGING) Every thug needs alliteration. [LAUGHTER] What! (SINGING) It’s a
literary device. We went to school, y’all. That was from that Murder,
Inc song “Onomatopoeia.” JULIA YOUNG: And someone
else got a face tattoo. Oh, God. Chris Brown in
the game, right? JULIA YOUNG: Presley Gerber.
– Who? Oh! Is that the Gerber baby– [LAUGHTER] –all grown up? Who is this guy? JULIA YOUNG: He’s
Cindy Crawford’s son. Cindy Crawford’s son. Oh, wow! Why is that in Helvetica? Yo, why– he got the– He went onto Font.com
and downloaded it. Come on, son. Also, doesn’t Little Wayne
have the same tattoo? Is that what it’s off of? You can’t bite into
a Little Wayne tattoo. What’s he misunderstood
about, like his– his Starbucks order and shit? [LAUGHTER] He just put Cindy
Crawford, Junior. A latte for Cindy
Crawford, Junior. He’s like, “Thank you.” Thank you. My mom had a–
– Is he a rapper? JULIA YOUNG: No. Is he anything? JULIA YOUNG: He was a model. Oh, he was a model. So he got all those bad tattoos?
JULIA YOUNG: Yeah. Oh. JULIA YOUNG: Would you
guys ever face tattoos? Never, brah. Face tats? Is Showtime paying for them? Because that’s what
needs to be done. JULIA YOUNG: If they were free,
would you get a face tattoo? THE KID MERO: Maybe
under the beard. What is the tattoo– what is the tattoo of? JULIA YOUNG: It says,
“misunderstood.” Misunderstood? Mis– yeah, no. Nah. I’ll let my kids get them. JULIA YOUNG: You would let
your kids get face tattoos? Because they’re always like,
yo, you’re not listening. You don’t understand. I’m like, yeah, you’re five. DESUS NICE: Oh, you’re saying
your kids are misunderstood. THE KID MERO: Yeah, and
they feel like they’re misunderstood, so they– OK, this joke got dark. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Oh, wow. That is– that’s a– that’s
bad placement, too, bro. AUDIENCE: What do
you [INAUDIBLE]?? Yeah, it’s like off. Like, they didn’t– It’s like “Ms-understood.” I don’t see the “i.” Yeah, because when
you see it, you got to go like, you got to go like. What does that say? If you’re going to face
that, people got to be like. [LAUGHTER] Like, sir, I don’t know you. Like why are you– why are you breathing on me? JULIA YOUNG: Where’s the
worst place to get a tattoo? Your butthole. JULIA YOUNG: Your– Your butthole? Your butthole. Like around your butthole? Like the Reggie
Miller star tattoo– Yes! –but on your butthole? Yeah, but the perianal area. On your actual balls. THE KID MERO: Yo,
and I got– yo, true. But if you get
like dollar sign so it look like a money sack. Money bag!
Money bag! Money bag! [LAUGHTER] Tell you girl, yo, pretend
you’re Scrooge McDuck. [LAUGHTER] Yo! Yo. I call them Mike Bloomberg
now, you know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] He got the bag! Oh, man. JULIA YOUNG: You guys
ready to start the show? I think we are ready
to start the show. You ready?
Yeah! Yeah! DESUS NICE: Oh, man.

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100 Comments

  1. What's her names job is giving rappers that sloppy roast beef curtains so a face tattoo is actually adding to her resume

  2. How many people are getting dollar signs on their ballbags because of this. I hope a lot, amazing. Brand is strong.

  3. "Money bag, money bag, money bag" "Pretend your Scrooge McDuck" Had me slumped over laughing🀣Fire barz!!! Shout out to Julia for knowing when to pump the brakes #bodegahive

  4. If you all are down with AOC, you should be down with Bernie. She definitely will get a cabinet position. Just sayin…#Bernie2020

  5. Julia is on staff. Julia asks Desus about valentines for staff. Desus says no. Julia asks about chocolate. Again Desus says no. Julia just wanted chocolate for Valentines…

  6. Cindy Crawford should get a fake tat of the same thing, in the same place. Only it says, "MSUNDERSTOOD". Just to show him how dumb that tat is

  7. Interesting πŸ€” Why do you guys have a handler? Why is she interviewing you? You used to have your own show. πŸ€”

  8. Julia was not playing with Desus about Valentine’s Day she said β€œDon’t play this” she making sure she gets her gift lmao

  9. what was the thought process for Amber Rose getting Bash and Slash Inked on her her Forehead where shes like, This is a GREAT idea. Like bruh she bald, theres no way no ones not looking at that shit IMMEDIATELY

  10. Man I want to back this show so hard, but y'all are still soooo awkward in front of a live audience. Maybe by Season 3 ? Conan sucked at first too

  11. β€œBabylon ting!β€β€β€πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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